(I’ve written a few entries that I neglected to post here but I’m attempting to catch up.)
Today it’s nearly turkey day which means family and I mean FAMILY. (I don’t know what I mean by that.) I love to break bread and I love cheesecake and parade floats. I also love sweet potatoes and Santa. Santa will ride out at the end of the parade and ring in the Christmas season. I hope he’s ready because I’ve read my list and checked it twice and, if he wants, dollskill has a feature where I can send it to him. Just get me your email address and it’s done Santa don’t even worry about what to buy or where to buy from.
That being said I don’t want to see so much as a single strand of lights up before thanksgiving. The local radio stations have already started playing Christmas music and honestly? So extra.
Till thanksgiving I don’t know what I’ll do. Lately I’ve been convinced that one of my greatest sins is idleness. Another might be self absorption. But even though every possible boring little human struggle has already been lived again and again on this planet there is not a single person I know who can convincingly tell me how to improve myself. NOTHING WORTH HAVING COMES EASY.
I guess I sit around a lot but that’s just part of it. It’s all just so much. Too much. The big picture I mean. Those who can see only the small picture are boring and easily misled. Those who can see both are blessed. And those who, like me, can only see the big picture often sit paralyzed on the edge of infinity. That’s why I draw. I sort things out this way and creating makes me feel like god.
So is creativity the antidote to idleness? Vivienne Westwood calls non-stop distraction one of the “three constituents of Propaganda” along with nationalistic idolatry and organized lying (actually I’m pretty sure she got it from someone else). Is my art a distraction then??? God! What is distraction and what is the desire not to waste a day? (Does the desire not to waste a day come to me from capitalism?)
Ultimately Aunt Viv says in her manifesto that happiness is really important so till I figure out whatever else she was talking about I’m going to focus on that. Idleness feels to me like being brain dead. I think I can avoid it if I’m mindful.
As for the self-centered nature of my thoughts I can’t help it. I feel like nobody will remember me if I don’t act like a big deal and being remembered is maybe more important to me than pretty much anything. IF I AM GOING TO SPEAK I WANT TO BE HEARD. If I am the only person who cares about what I have to say right now then so be it I will carve my voice into stone so that even when I die it will still be here. I WILL CONTRIBUTE A VERSE. I will be the story my children tell their children.
“She was the best mom ever I miss her every day.”
“She told me she once got so drunk she literally fell flat on her face at a campsite. (Maybe alcohol isn’t for everybody but I think they should get the good and the bad stories right?)”
So I think the mission going forward to address the issue of this idleness is to like chill and never do something I’m uncomfortable doing. Never become complacent. And for the selfishness (How can I never be uncomfortable and never selfish?) I will try to incorporate multiple voices into my journal entries.
“Are you sure that was the point my African Princess?”- Jaden Smith my future ex husband (He’s not the right sign for a permanent boo. #Gemini👀)
“Maybe not but the conversation has been used a lot by philosophers and Aunt Viv used it in her manifesto so I will use it here.” Me (actual African Princess)
“This is your verse?”- a Reanimated Robin Williams who is for some reason feeling very judgmental.
“Well the first part”